Reminiscing
I'm back in the UK after my long trip back. It's strange how many things have changed in my hometown over the last few years. I found that I'm thinking more about what I used to do here, reminiscing about my childhood and teenage years.
Rooting through things in my bedroom, I found lots of things to jog my memories. I found old bank statements (from 1999!), my first job contract, and payslips from every month I've worked in the UK! I spent a little time looking through old photos, and I'm thinking of trying to get them put into digital format in the next few days. Not so much so I can put them on the internet, but more so I can look through them anytime without having to carry around prints.
I also found a diary. Well, that's a bit strong. I could never keep a regular diary (as you can probably tell from the frequency of my blog posts), and there were only 5 short entries in this attempt. Reading it back to myself, it's strange how little my way of thinking has changed. I want to keep the words, but not the few pages in the little book that it's written in. This was never meant for anyone else to read, but I don't think there's anything too revealing or embarrassing in there. So I'm going to copy the parts I feel are interesting into the blog, as a way for me to remember and look back more easily. This is a bit off the normal theme of the blog, but maybe there'll be more of this kind of thing in the future. There isn't much in Tokyo that's new for me, so funny stories about mistakes I made and cultures differences are few and far between now.
2/1/04
I've never kept a diary and don't intend to start. Looking back over your writing makes the ideas and thoughts seem follish. The regimented idea of daily contributions and lack of events would also create problems.
However, in quiet times of thinking and reading the work of others, I often want to write things down to give my thoughts clarity. The expressions will never be regular, not always precise, or to a good standard.....this may be the only entry.
I don't intend to show such thoughts to others, or to include them in my thoughts. This is for me. Or perhaps nobody.
I shouldn't try to force structure into writing, but instead let my mind spew thoughts onto the page 'Beatnik style'. But references to what I watch or read could help, if I ever look back over the words. Not all will have meaning, many just sound nice, or appeal to the senses
'a lazy sensual body (made to fit well against other bodies), a mouth made to fit other mouths'
For Whom the Bell Tolls
Reading will prompt most entries, I should try to write on journeys - trains especially, and extended periods alone which allow my mind to wander. Perhaps leave pages between entries to prevent reading back.
4/1/04
Thinking again of the future (intrapersonal thinker?) and what to do. £1,00 saved towards an M.A., but would this benefit without 3 more years on a PHD? Am I capable? The prospect of Monday and work await. I know I can't do a repetitive job for life....I need change.
But the (dream?) of a creative/expressive occupation is difficult to achieve. 40 years of work is unappealing, as too is more years of living on a budget at home. The same big questions as others start their careers. Not only am I uncertain of careers, but home too. The dream of another country remains.
The indecision and angst of a teenager....but at 22.
Ideas of study, travel, settling abroad? life in academia/a literary occupation? government research?
11/2
Now £2,000 towards uni. More sure of course and resigned to staying at home. Still unsure about future though. More disillusioned with England and current politics since visit to Canada. Unless a dream (job/woman) keeps me here, would definitely consider emmigration.
